Regrets and Cigarettes (excerpt)

Esther let the door swing to behind her, shutting out the raucous din of the party. She gratefully took a deep breath of air that didn’t smell like booze and body odor, then took another, sharper breath in surprise. While she’d been expecting some of the outdoor smells, like summer night and wet grass, she was caught off-guard by the one that hit her the most pungently: pot.

“Star, hey.” Liz was sitting sideways on the porch steps with one leg hiked up and her back pressed against a white square pillar. Her pastel pink hair stirred in the wind, as if it wanted to follow the smoke that trailed off the fresh joint dangling from her fingers. “Join me?”

“God, can I? I haven’t smoked since college.”

Liz patted the top step invitingly. Esther flopped down with a huff and took a hit of the proffered joint. The heady smoke filled her lungs, and she closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the heavy tightness of hot smoke held in. When the pressure grew too great to bear, she released the breath into the night. Something in her taut chest relaxed. “Thanks,” she said, passing the joint back.

“No worries.” Liz took a pull and tilted her head back as if to encourage the smoke downward. It leaked from between her lips and spiralled up towards the distant stars. “Party sounds like it’s in full swing.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me.” Another hit, followed by a gulp of cheap beer. “Didn’t expect to see you out here. Usually you’d be right there in the middle of it.” Puff, hold, blow, pass. “Goddamn, can you picture me having a peaceful smoke in there? Everyone’d want a hit, and by the time it got back around to me it’d all be gone.”

“Oh, should I chip in?”

“Nah, we’re square. Sharing with one’s different from sharing with — what, fifty?”

“If not more.” Esther took another hit. She knew some people hated the smell of pot, but she’d always enjoyed it herself. Like cigarette smoke, but greener. More wholesome. “Jesus fuck but it’s a crowd tonight.” “What do you expect? It’s a law school party. We’re wild.”

“I thought you were overworked.”

“Obvs.” She paused to take another hit, then said, “God, if you let that shit get in the way of cutting loose every once in awhile, you’ll never make it past the first year.”

Esther put on her most serious face. “By ‘that shit,’ you mean the laws of our great nation?”

“Fuck off,” Liz said amiably. “You know how it goes, bullshit is your stock in trade.”

“I, my friend, work with all the intricacies of the English language.”

“So, you know, bullshit.”

Esther couldn’t stop herself from cracking up. Liz grinned back and passed her the joint again. “Speaking of bullshit, where’s your one-and-only run off to?”

That question brought Esther back to earth with a resounding crash, but she tried not to let it show in her face. “He’s here. Having a good time.”

“You designated driver again?”

“Yeah.”

“Bullshit.”

“Come on. You’re a law student, you know how hard he works. He just wants a chance to unwind at the end of the week.”

Liz gave an eloquent snort, forgetting that she’d just taken a pretty substantial hit, and ended up sending herself into a minor coughing fit.

“Hey, shit, you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Liz managed to say. “Here, take the goddamn thing. I gotta catch my breath.”

Esther took the joint and kept it warm. She waited for her friend to make another comment about Hunter, but something else had occurred to Liz.

“Should you be smoking if you’re gonna drive later?”

“Fuck, by the time he finishes up I’ll be stone cold sober again.” Esther blew an irritable puff of smoke out her pursed lips. “You watch.”

“God, why are you even still with him?”

“He’s not always like this. You know that.”

Liz rolled her eyes. “Honey, he’s been that way since college. Probably since high school, knowing him.”

“Liz…”

“I’m just saying, do you think it’s going to be different when you’re married?”

Esther hesitated, turning the joint over in her fingers as if the right answer were written on it somewhere. “I don’t know… I mean, I love him.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough. Jesus, were you planning on passing that shit back to me sometime? Hog.”